You know how when you have news for someone and they say they're excited for you, but something about the wording on their text seems unenthusiastic? Has this ever happened to you? I know that some variation of this has happened to many people. Well, this happened to me Friday.
I wanted this to be a phone conversation, but with how Friday ended up working, I had to text my news to my 'best friend.' This feels like an honorary title. I don't think we've been best friends for a good while. The distance has hurt. Also, life. And personal growth. It's just one of those things that I've been saying for so long, it's a habit. I don't know if this will change, but I know we won't be going back to what once was. Anyway, this was a text. "Oh wow." The first two words of the response to my news. Oh. Wow. Is it just me or is this not settling right for you? It really isn't settling right for me.
Our friendship hasn't felt right for months. After my birthday I realized that she remained being late. Whenever asking her to hang while I was in town, plans were made and she was late. Now, I understand that this is who she's always been, but I figured a bit of effort would be done as I am coming from hours away, and, you know, my time in LA is limited. But no. Still late. When I went down for D's birthday, she showed up after 7. I'd asked her in the morning to be there early to help me decorate, like around 3 or 4. This felt like an simple, easily doable request. And she showed up after 7pm. Oh, I should mention that because I had no help decorating (my niece is tied to her phone and I cannot even right now), I had a fall down the stairs. I'm okay, I had some bruising, but I feel like this could have been prevented had I not been trying to rush to finish decorating on my own. And this is why I feel like I can't reach out and ask for help. Because it feels like I'm asking for this huge thing, in reality it's rather small, and I can't even get this. Fuck.
Anyway, I ended up making a rude ass comment during the party about it later on in the night, not my finest hour, and we never really mended shit. I reached out during Valentine's Day, and she responded acknowledging it, and I never responded. Remember when I posted all that shit about committing s*icide? Yeah, that's when. She reached out this Thursday to see how I was. Since this hasn't happened in months, I was defensive when responding. And because my focus was on my interview, I postponed contact. Is this a weakness? Maybe, but, and this is harsh, I did not want to be bummed before such a major occasion. I applied and less than 2 weeks later I had an interview? Yeah, that was a sign. (This was confirmed Friday, after all.) So it was pushed off. I have no regrets. I mentioned nothing to the LA peeps, and to my work supervisor until after I was offered the position.
There have been text exchanges since then, but it feels just off. I do not feel like trying. I am exhausted. She mentioned that with long distance relationships there has to be effort. Umm, fuck yes. I go down to LA whenever I can. I don't ask for her to come up because of her work and schedule. I'd reach out every so often, and it always felt like time would pass before I got a response. I have gone above and beyond to retain this friendship in whatever way, shape, or form I can and it's been exhausting because for a while it's felt like it's mostly me working. I always make the initial contact. Is it so hard to do this? Until Thursday, I can say with some certainty that a solid 80 to 95% of the initial contact within the last few years has been me. Do you know what it feels like to always be the person reaching out? And not just with her but with all my 'family' in LA? It feels like a microaggression that I have to do this. It feels like some small punishment for me leaving LA. And it very much adds to the feeling of being unwanted I've had all my life. Yep. And now I'm crying.
As someone with depression and anxiety, everything is analyzed and overanalyzed. The above may be false as fuck, but this feels so fucking real.
So her throwing it in my face about long distance relationships take work, of course they fucking do Luiza!! I have tried to see about scheduling monthly phone dates to catch up, and nothing. (Her work schedule, that I am trying to respect even though I feel like she's being exploited.) Even though I miss her, I don't bother her with this because it's a distraction that I feel like she doesn't need. I support all the trips she takes; making sure not to shame her for only visiting me twice the entire time I've lived up here. (Keep exploring. That's awesome. This planet is beyond amazing.) If I have to do all this fucking work to maintain this 'friendship', I think I'm better off stepping back, taking space for myself, and using all the time and energy I've put into this 'relationship' and invest it in myself.
I want to get better. I want to be less anxious and depressed and putting more of my time and energy into making me happy (which no one will do for you but you) seems like a much better thing to do than being lectured by someone who has done the bare minimum on a long distance friendship.
Anyway, time to get off. I'm done with ranting. I am writing this, after all, on a Sunday, and I did not, as planned, start packing yesterday.
Until next time.